Denial, and Other Rivers
by RosieRhine
Summary: My telling of the night that Pam Tanner was killed by the drunk driver. A tragic story, but also a story of family coming together. Please R&R.
1. Chapter 1 - Bad News

Author's Note: I have a "thing" about when there's a death offscreen. I feel like it helps me connect to the characters more when I see how they handle the tragedy, and how the tragedy affects them. I especially don't like when they leave a cause of death unmentioned, but of course Full House did eventually tell us how Pam died. This is my version of how I imagine that day for Danny Tanner and the girls. Full House and its characters are not my property.

Just the basics, Danny thought. She just said she was going to the store for "just the basics." How long does it take to get just the basics? He checked the wall clock again. Pam had been gone for over two hours. Thankfully she'd fed Michelle right before she'd left, and kissed D.J. and Stephanie "good night" as well. She'd told Danny that she just to run an errand by herself, just to get out of the house briefly.

"Don't worry. I won't be gone long! Running to the store for just the basics. I'll be back before your basketball game is over." And with that she'd kissed him briefly, flashed him her bright smile, and then swept out the door, keys and coat in hand. Danny sighed: he couldn't really blame her for wanting a short jaunt out of the house on her own. He just hoped she'd be back before Michelle woke up and needed to eat again. Maybe it was because they were new parents once again, but Danny didn't like to be away from Pam or the kids any longer than he had to, and he reasoned that this overprotectiveness and desire for closeness was the cause of his current anxiety. He was a little nervous by nature anyway. He sighed and stretched from his seat on the couch. At least everyone was asleep. He decided to watch the game and try not to focus on the slow passing of time.

He awoke an hour and a half later, his neck aching from the awkward angle in which he'd fallen asleep. He sat up and blinked blearily. "Pam?" he called. Maybe she came home and just went to bed, he thought hopefully. It had been almost four hours since she'd left to go to the store, and it was approaching midnight. Then he heard it.

A knock – strong and forceful – on the front door.

Danny froze. Who could be knocking? And at this hour? Maybe Pam's arms are full and she can't get to her keys, he thought as he opened the door.

And stared into the face of a San Francisco police officer, who was giving Danny an apprehensive and serious look. "Hello, sir. I'm sorry for the late hour, but…" the officer trailed off and shifted his weight. "Are you Daniel Tanner?" Danny could only nod, his throat was locked up.

"And your wife is Pamela Tanner?" Danny could only nod again. It was as if he had forgotten how to speak. The officer sighed. "May I come in, sir?" Danny simply stepped back, allowing the officer to enter the dim living room. Danny shut the front door, snapped on a light switch, and stared at the policeman, his mouth slightly agape. He still couldn't speak. It was as if his heart had jumped up to where his voice box was. Words wouldn't come. The officer cleared his throat.

"Mr. Tanner, I'm so sorry to be the one to tell you this." He paused. Danny's breath wouldn't come. "Sir…there's been a car accident. Your wife…" He paused again, then took a deep breath. "Your wife was driving in this direction when a drunk driver ran a red light and…and he hit her. Crashed into her vehicle going at least 70mph. Hit the driver's side." He glanced at Danny then, who was trying to work his mouth into forming words, trying to move his hands, trying to do _something_, but kept failing. His body was frozen in shock and terror.

"Mr. Tanner, please understand that it was a hit and run. A witness ran to call 911 but several businesses around the area were already closed, and well, it took a while for them to find a phone. The ambulance came but she was…." The officer steeled himself. He hated this part of the job. Danny had started breathing more heavily, his chest beginning to heave. "Sir…Mr. Tanner…she was declared DOA at the hospital. I do need you to come with me and identify the body, sir." He stopped then and looked up at this poor, suffering man. Danny stepped backwards. As the back of his leg hit the front stairs he simply collapsed, sitting down hard on those steps. He buried his face in his hands for a moment. This isn't real, he thought determinedly. It's all a joke. Or a dream. It's not real. She's not dead. She'll be home soon. "Just the basics" she'd said. Just the basics!

He looked up at the officer, his eyes beginning to fill with tears. "Just the basics." He managed to croak out. The officer took a step towards him. "I'm sorry? What was that?"

Danny took a deep breath. "She said she was going to the store for "just the basics." That she would be home soon. She was coming back...she said she was coming back…just getting the basics…" He could feel a sob starting in his chest and he bit the side of his fist to keep from crying. If he cried, it was real.

The officer moved in front of him, and crouched down so he was in Danny's eyeline. "Do you have children?" Danny nodded. "Is there anyone you can call so you can come with me?" Danny nodded again, on autopilot. Having a task to do shoved the tears aside momentarily.

He picked up the small notebook in the drawer of the side table and paused. His mother lived in Tacoma. He'd have to call his mother-in-law, Irene. He managed to take a deep breath as he dialed the number. How do I tell her what's happening when I barely understand it myself?, He thought.

"Hello?" came Nick Katsopolis' gruff answer. Danny couldn't blame him, it was midnight now. "Nick," he said, hoarsely. "It's…it's Danny." Danny could hear Nick's sharp intake of breath. Nick knew Danny wouldn't be calling this late if it wasn't important. Danny heard him say, "it's Danny calling," presumably to Irene. Nick came back on. "Danny, what's wrong? What's happened? Is everything alright?" Danny tried to breathe again.

"Nick….Nick, it's Pam. There's an officer at my house, she's been in an accident. I…" He wasn't sure he could continue. The crushing feeling in his chest was getting worse by the second. He wanted nothing more than to lay on the floor and scream and cry. "She's gone, Nick. I have to go with an officer to…" and now, that sob made its way up his throat and out of his mouth. "To identify her body," he managed to gasp out, as tears started to escape from his eyes. Saying it out loud made it real. Why, oh why, was it so, so REAL?

He could hear Nick's gasp and his voice getting even gruffer as he told Irene. He could hear Irene in the background, "no, no no!" she was screaming. Danny patiently waited for them to get back on the phone. He had lost his wife, and they had lost their daughter. His tears were starting to run again as he heard their anguished cries over the phone, and the knot in his chest had spread from his neck to the pit of his stomach. He didn't know if he would ever smile again, and he was awash in several stages of grief all at once: denial and depression for sure, and anger hadn't started yet.

Finally Nick got back on the phone. "Danny, oh Danny," he was saying hoarsely, "Danny what can we do?" Danny had to dig deep to be able to say it again. "Nick, I need to go to the hospital to...to identify Pam's body. Can you and Irene come to the house and sit with the kids?"

"Yeah, yeah, Danny, of course. We'll be there in ten." Danny nodded even though Nick couldn't see him, and he managed to throw a nod to the officer to let him know someone was on the way. "And Danny," Nick was saying. "Danny, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry." Danny nodded again, the tears running unchecked now. "Thank you," he managed to whisper, and sank onto the couch as he dropped the phone into the receiver. Now he buried his face in his hands once again, allowing himself to weep. He rocked back and forth a little as his body was wracked with sobs. His chest heaved, and his fingers gripped his hair as tears dropped onto the rug. The police officer still stood to the side, respectfully silent. After a few minutes Danny managed to sit up, eyes red. He rifled for a tissue out of the Kleenex box. He knew more tears would come. He wondered if he would ever laugh or smile again.

And yet for all his current sorrow it still didn't feel real. It still seemed like he would soon wake up, Pam's warm, soft body snoozing beside him, and the two of them cocooned in their mutual love and warm affection. He would wake up and drowsily reach for her and draw her body to himself, holding her in the early morning hours before the kids were then the crushing fear returned, the fear that this was, in fact, real, and that he would never hold her close ever again. That he would never again see her bright smile or hear her laugh. They wouldn't dance together at their daughters' weddings, or care for their grandchildren together. The fear and the sorrow fought for a place in his mind, and once again he couldn't speak, could barely breathe. His breath was coming in shallow gasps.

A hesitant knock at the door brought him out of his reverie. He lifted his head and watched as the officer moved to the door and took the liberty to open it. Danny stood as his in-laws came rushing in past the police officer, who calmly shut the door and waited. Irene came running to Danny, arms open, and he sank into her embrace.

"Oh Danny," she kept saying it, tearfully, over and over, as Nick eventually stopped taking his hands in and out of his pockets awkwardly and joined the hug. They stood together like that for a few minutes, Danny's tall frame stooped down to meet their arms. "Not Pam...not my Pammy," Irene was saying now, as they separated, and Nick took her in his arms again, nodding at Danny. "Go ahead and get it done," Nick said, "so you can be back before the girls wake up." This started a fresh round of sobbing for Irene.  
Oh my God, Danny thought. The girls! How...how would he tell his children that their beloved mother was gone? That she'd been out and died while they were asleep? He shoved the lump in his throat back down. One task at a time, he told himself. He took a deep breath and replied to Nick. "Yeah, yeah you're right. I'll be back...soon, I hope." He took a look at the officer. "Okay...okay let's go, but you'll have to drive." They went out and Danny shut the door behind him, not bothering to lock it, and forced himself to put one foot in front of the other.

Chapter 2 coming soon, this is all I could type in one night!


	2. Chapter 2 - Viewing

Danny barely remembered to grab his wallet and keys before heading out the door with the police officer. His body and mind were simultaneously anxious to get to the morgue and resisting the action altogether, a duality of sorts. He wanted to get it over with; to just get there and have the funeral and be done and move on and never think about it again….and he wanted to never go. To never get to the morgue in the first place, and just go home and pretend the whole thing had never happened.

Never mind that by now it was just after 1am, and he'd only had that measly ninety minutes of sleep, and not much of a dinner. Never mind that he'd only had an hour to process that his wife was _dead_, would never be home again, his girls would never see their mother again…

His thoughts ran as the police car wove its way through dark San Francisco streets. The ride took forever and it took no time at all. His hands were heavy as they clumsily unbuckled his seat belt and his feet were made of lead as he slowly walked behind the officer to the morgue door. The officer gently led him into a room – a visitor's seating area.

"Wait here, Mr. Tanner," he said. "The medical examiner will be in to see you in a minute. I'll be out in the hallway." Danny managed to nod his thanks as he sank his tall frame into a beige club chair. He looked around at the walls, the industrial carpet, the nondescript coffee table in front of him. He took a deep breath, steeling himself, and rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. His head was starting to ache, he could feel the throbbing start at the back of his skull.

A swift knock on the door brought Danny back to attention as the medical examiner walked in. She was a short woman, with greying blond hair and steely blue eyes peering at him from behind her glasses. "Mr. Tanner? I'm Dr. Andrews, the medical examiner." She settled herself into the chair to his left. "Before we go in to see the body, I'm going to show you a picture of the face of the woman we believe is your wife."

She offered him the picture facedown and he took it, dumbly, saying "A…picture?"

Dr. Andrews nodded. "Yes, to prepare you. Take all the time you need." And she sat back in the chair to wait. He ran his thumb over the back of the Polaroid and steeled himself. He realized there wasn't actually a way to prepare himself and flipped the picture over. His breath caught in his throat. He had hoped so badly that it _wasn't_ her, it _couldn't _be Pam, but it was. Her nose, her cheeks, her hair. Her face was unnaturally pale and bruised, but it was her. The ME still sad beside him patiently, waiting for the verbal confirmation she didn't really need. He couldn't breathe again, but he managed to glance at her, eyes filling with tears, and gave her a quick nod. She nodded back and took the picture from him as he buried his head in his hands, struggling to get himself under control.

Finally, after a few minutes, he straightened up and looked at her, his eyes red and nose starting to run. "What do we do now?" He asked her.

Dr. Andrews stood up. "I will take you to go see her, if you would like to." He stood slowly and followed her down the long, white hallway, forcing his feet to move. _It must be a dream_, he told himself. _It's still not real_. She led him to the table that held the shape of a human body under a sheet, and started to pull it back, slowly, gently, over the face. He was ten feet away and he knew it was her, but he walked closer and, placing his hands on the table to brace himself, leaned against the table for support as he looked down.

Like in the photograph, it was her. There was a terrible bruise spread across almost the entire left side of her face, and her jaw looked like it had been broken. He could see blood on her scalp that he hadn't been able to see in the photo, and of course her hair was mussed. He wondered if the ME had tried to smooth her hair before bringing him back.

Pam's skin was unnaturally pale, and Danny tentatively reached out a hand to softly touch her cheek with one finger, then as he felt her cold skin turned his hand and cupped her cheek. His vision blurred. _What do I do now?_ He wondered. He'd never considered a future without her. Sure, he'd worried about what might happen if she died before him, but it never occurred to him that it would be so _soon_. Michelle was just an infant, for God's sake! D.J. and Stephanie were so_ young_ and Pam had so much _LIFE_ left to live! With him! With their children! He finally allowed the tears to fall from his eyes yet again. His chest and throat hurt. He managed to take a deep, shuddering breath, and looked up at the ME, still holding his wife's cheek.

"It's her. This is my wife." His voice cracked. Dr. Andrews nodded. It broke her heart to see this young man in front of her, seeing his equally young wife's body on this cold slab. Dr. Andrews knew they had children because of Pam's autopsy, but she asked him anyway. "Mr. Tanner, do you have children?"

Danny nodded. "Yes, three little girls…" He went back to clutching the table with both hands, trying to keep himself upright. "Three little girls who need their mother…" he trailed off again. The ME gave him a sad smile. "Yes, Mr. Tanner. And they need their father, too."

He wondered for a minute if the girls were awake or still asleep and blissfully unaware of what horror awaited them when they woke up. He stood all the way up and took one more look at his wife's face. Impulsively, he leaned back down and pressed his lips to her cold ones. "Goodbye, Pam," he whispered, and straightened up once more. He looked over at the ME.

"Well…I suppose I should get home and start making arrangements." She nodded once more. "I'll go get an officer to bring you home, Mr. Tanner."

_Home_, he thought. _Home. A home without Pam_.

Maybe it all still wasn't real.

Chapter 3 coming soon…sorry it's so sad but honestly it's a sad situation!


	3. Chapter 3 - Things to Do

Chapter 3 – Things to Do

Danny heaved in a breath as the police officer – the same one from earlier – pulled into his driveway and parked the cruiser. The officer looked over at him sympathetically and said the only thing that seemed appropriate.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Mr. Tanner."

Danny looked at the officer, seeing him but not really comprehending. He nodded slowly and ran a hand through his hair and then over his face. By now it was just past 3am. He looked up at his house looming in the darkness. He noted with relief that the upstairs lights were all still off, and just the lamp was on in the living room. If the girls were awake, then every light upstairs would be on.

He released a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Thank you, officer," he whispered, as he once again forced his leaden hand to unbuckle his seat belt. He shook the officer's hand briefly and unfurled himself out of the cruiser. He watched the police car slowly back down the driveway, thankfully keeping his headlight off until he pulled out onto Girard Way.

Danny turned and began to trudge up to the house. What would even say? How would he tell his girls their mother is dead? The closer he got to the front door, the harder his heart pounded. He tried the knob and found that the door was still unlocked. He blinked in the dim light of the living room. Nick was sitting on the couch, eyes red and looking as though he'd been awake the entire time Danny had been gone. Irene was asleep, laying in Nick's lap.

Nick blinked blearily at Danny. "Well?" he asked his son-in-law gruffly. Danny nodded grimly. "It's her. It's Pam." He sighed and sat down heavily in a chair. "Girls are still asleep?" he asked.

It was Nick's turn to nod, as he pointed to the quiet baby monitor on the side table. "Yes, thank God, they're still asleep." Irene began to stir, and she slowly woke and sat up. She looked at the two men, blinking, and began to cry again.

"Oh, Danny," she cried as she went to him. She leaned down and embraced him as he reached up for her. She cried into his dark hair, and he buried his face in her shoulder. He couldn't ignore the knot in his chest, but he just couldn't cry anymore. 'Maybe I've just cried all my tears already,' he thought as he clung tighter to his mother-in-law. Nick had tears rolling down his face again. Irene stood up suddenly, grabbing Danny by the shoulders and looking into his eyes.

"Danny, what _happened_?" she cried. He realized then that he'd only told them there had been an accident. He took a deep shuddering breath.

"She was driving home from the grocery store. She said she just wanted to do an errand by herself to get a few minutes of alone time. She…she was at a stoplight, it turned green, so she started to go and…she was hit." He had to draw in another deep breath. "A drunk driver ran the red light and hit her going around 70mph." The police officer had told Danny that the man had kept going after slamming into Pam's car but hadn't made it very far, and that he was in the hospital with minor injuries and would be brought to jail as soon as he was released by a doctor. He'd told Danny to call tomorrow about the court date….it was all a bit vague, like a fleeting memory.

Nick and Irene gasped. "Oh no, oh my Pammy…" Irene reached over and grabbed Nick's hand. Danny put his face in his hands.

"I have so much to do. I have to call a funeral home, figure out where her car was towed to, call people…I have to tell the girls…" THAT realization finally hit home and brought his tears anew. Irene knelt in front of him on the rug, again putting her hands on his shoulders, trying to comfort him.

"Danny, Danny, we can call everyone, alright? Have you called your parents yet?" Danny shook his head. "Okay," Irene said. "We'll call them. And we need to get a hold of Jesse…" she trailed off and glanced at Nick. "We think he's on his way back from Vegas."

Danny sat with his head down for another minute, then sat up suddenly when he heard Michelle beginning to wake up in the baby monitor. "Oh, God," he moaned. "Michelle! How am I going to feed Michelle…" he stood up suddenly – too fast – and went to make dash to the kitchen. Irene cut him off.

"Danny, relax, Pam told me she usually kept a few bags of breastmilk in the freezer," she said as she patted him on the shoulder and headed into the kitchen, glad to have something to do. Danny knew there was milk in the freezer too, but his mind was swimming. He stood in the middle of the living room, forlornly staring at the baby monitor that was starting to get noisier by the second.

Nick stood up and grabbed his keys off the side table. He turned to his son-in-law and said, "you said Pamela was coming back from the grocery store? What was she getting?"

Danny stared blankly at him for a minute. "Oh, er, umm….she said she was just going to grab the basics…" he trailed off, the memory of the last few sentences she'd said to him lingering in his memory. It hadn't even been twelve hours since she'd said that. How could so much have changed in such a short amount of time?

Nick cleared his throat, bringing Danny back to the present. He was anxious to get to the store and back before D.J. and Stephanie woke up. "Okay, well what did that usually involve, Dan?"

"Um, bread, eggs, milk, peanut butter, maybe some cereal and diapers…" He trailed off as Nick nodded and shrugged on his coat. "Okay, I'll get all that and some formula, too." Saying that left a pit in his stomach. His daughter was gone and therefore could no longer feed her baby herself, so he'd get a suitable replacement. But she should be here, with her children and husband…Nick sighed. "Okay, Dan?"

Danny nodded as he placed his hands on his hips. He looked like a man who just didn't know what to do. Irene walked back into the living room with the warmed bottle as Nick headed out the door. She was gently shaking the bottle as she asked, "where's he going?"

Danny took the bottle from her, eyes downcast. "Pam never made it back from the store so Nick…Nick went to get what she was supposed to bring home…." He was on the verge of tears again, but Michelle's snuffling noise were starting to change into full-blown cries, and Irene urged him up the stairs.

"Go feed the baby. It will be soothing, for both of you. I'll call your mom and dad, alright?" Danny didn't argue, and started to trudge upstairs to the baby's room. Irene sat heavily down on the couch and reached for the small book of phone numbers her daughter always kept in the drawer of the side table where the phone was. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw the page it was already opened to: _Mom and Dad, Irene and Nick Katsopolis_ in her daughter's need, distinctive handwriting. She flipped over a few pages to Danny's mother's phone number, listed under _Granny Tanny_. She smiled a little, and checked the time. It was 4am, but Claire needed to know sooner rather than later. Irene dialed the number, steeling herself.

It rang five times before Claire's sleep addled voice came over the line. "Hello?" she answered sleepily.

"Claire, it's Irene. Irene Katsopolis." Claire Tanner seemed to come completely awake then. "Irene? What time is it…Irene, what's wrong?" Irene took a deep breath, wondering if she'd be able to say it out loud.

"Claire…there's been an accident. Pamela…" The tears started. Irene knew they would. "Pam was struck by a drunk driver coming home from the store. She's…she's gone, Claire. My baby girl is gone!" The tears came in full force, then. She could hear Claire starting to cry as well.

"Oh no, oh Irene! What about Danny and the girls?"

Irene shook her head even though Claire couldn't see her. "They're fine, they were home. D.J. and Stephanie are still asleep, they don't know. I just sent Danny upstairs to feed Michelle. He….Claire, an officer came to the house and Danny had to go identify her body!" She wiped her eyes with her shirt sleeve. "Can you come down to San Francisco?"

It was Claire's turn to nod. "Yes, yes of course. I'll be on the soonest flight I can get on. I'll call you when I know when I'm landing." She paused, trying to find words. "Irene, I'm so sorry. For you and Nick, for my son, for our granddaughters…it just doesn't seem possible."

Irene could barely speak now. "I know what you mean," she choked out. "Claire…we'll see you soon. Bye." And Irene began to sob again as soon as the phone was back in its cradle.

Danny sat in the rocker in the dim light of the baby's room, Michelle cradled in his arms, happily sucking her bottle. The knot in his chest was still present, but had eased slightly with the physical contact of his third born in his lap. The oxytocin lightened the load momentarily, but as Danny looked down at the baby, with her rosy cheeks and strawberry blond curls, he couldn't help but feel the knot rise up again, and the heaviness come back on him like a blanket. Tears began to course down his cheeks once again as the baby stared up at him, still eating and making little grunts as she did so. She was only six month old, would never get to know her mother at all except through pictures and home movies…_And through me and her sisters…_ Danny thought. But it wouldn't be the same. His sorrow came in another fresh wave at this realization: D.J. and Stephanie would always have concrete memories of their mother, but Michelle wouldn't.

He hugged the baby to himself a little tighter as she finished her bottle. He switched her around so she was up at his shoulder. He began to pat her back to burp her as her little hand curled around his neck affectionately. He wanted to bring her back downstairs but he could tell she was falling asleep again, so he laid her back down in the crib. He stared down at her as she blinked drowsily at him and clutched her blanket, drifting back into a peaceful sleep. Danny looked at her enviously. He knew it would be a long time before he slept that peacefully again.

He stepped quietly into the hallway, and began to walk down towards his (their?) bedroom, and stopped. He wasn't ready to face _that_ room, so he turned to head back down to the living room, and wait for the dreaded talk with his daughters. He was halfway down the stairs when he heard the absolutely last thing he wanted to hear right then.

"Dad?"

…..

Okay, Chapter 4 is coming soon….


	4. Chapter 4 - Processing

Author's Note: Yeah, it's sad, and it's gonna get sadder. Appreciate your reviews (no flaming please). Only my second fanfic ever, so….

**Note: I've read other fics that seemed to literally have Danny get a phone call from the police and then say "okay, thanks for your call" and I just needed – for me – a fic that would be a more realistic story of what happens when they find out Pam was killed by a drunk driver.

Chapter 4 - Processing

Danny squeezed his eyes shut, hoping he'd imagined the little voice calling his name. He slowly turned on the stair and found himself looking up at a little face surrounded by a halo of blond curls. Stephanie stood at the top of the stairs, in her pink pajamas, clutching Mr. Bear in one hand and rubbing her eyes with the other. "Daddy is something wrong?" she asked him innocently. He walked back up the stairs until he was eye level with her.

"Honey, why do you think anything is wrong?" He was struggling to keep his voice under control. He knew he looked (and probably smelled) awful. He wasn't even doing his "be overly happy and corny to gloss over what's happening" bit. Stephanie studied him carefully before answering, raising an eyebrow and stepping back a little.

"Daddy? Are you okay?" She'd never seen her father this disheveled and her mother was usually the one to get up with Michelle in the middle of the night. Danny sighed. He'd hoped to go back downstairs and gather his thoughts before D.J. and Stephanie woke up. He couldn't quite meet her eyes and decided to try something else: distraction.

"Honey, you don't have to be up for a couple more hours. Why don't you go back to bed?" he suggested.

She sighed, frustrated. "Dad, I've heard the front door opening and closing, and noises downstairs, and car lights outside, and I even thought I heard Grandpa Nick! And I know I wasn't dreaming!" She yawned and rubbed at her eyes again. "Is it the Gibblers, Dad? Are they doing some sort of weird Gibbler ritual?"

He smiled a little at that. "No, honey, it's not the Gibblers." He walked back up to the landing where she was. "Come on, get back to bed. I'll explain everything in the morning." He managed to get her turned around and headed down the hall back to her room. As he went to open her door, she asked him sleepily, "Can I just go lay down with Mommy?"

Danny froze and his heart stopped. He was glad she couldn't see his face because she would never believe everything was alright if she had.

"No, sweetheart," he managed to get out. "Come on," he whispered as he opened the bedroom door. "Go back to sleep. We'll talk when you wake up." The cracked door offered just enough light for Stephanie to crawl back into bed. Danny decided to briefly check in on D.J. across the hall, and he was relieved to hear D.J.'s steady, slow breathing. He gently shut the door and sagged against the wall in the hallway, shutting his eyes. The pounding in the back of his skull had spread to the backs of his eyes. He glanced down the hall to his bedroom door. _Nope_, he thought decisively. _Not going in there_. Too many memories awaited him in there, and he wasn't ready to face their bedroom alone. He decided to go downstairs and see if Nick had come back yet.

Nick had just walked in the door, in fact, with two full bags of groceries and a pack of diapers under his arm. Danny found him in the kitchen talking to Irene. Danny folded his arms and leaned against the counter while his in-laws put the groceries away. Nick turned to Danny.

"I hope it's okay, I bought a big can of formula. And more diapers, because I wasn't sure what you had, and…" he trailed off, his hand waving mindlessly in the air, lost in thought. "Just some other basic things."

Danny shrugged. "Sure, Nick, it's fine, I appreciate it. I'm glad someone thought of it because…." Now it was Danny's turn to trail off. He felt the knot in his chest tighten but no tears this time. His wife would never feed their baby girl again. It made him sadder, but he was just feeling numb at this point. He was still leaning against the counter as Nick glanced at his wife before continuing.

"I stopped by our house and left a note for Jesse to come here when he gets home. He should be back from Vegas early this morning." Nick shared a look with Irene. "He loves his sister…I don't really know how he's gonna take this…." Irene reached out and rubbed her husband's arm. "How are any of us taking it, Nick?" she asked dryly.

Irene turned her attention to her son-in-law. "Danny, how was Michelle? Did she eat ok?"

"Yeah, she did, and went back to sleep," he said softly. He lifted his head and looked Irene in the eyes. "But Stephanie woke up as I was coming back downstairs."

Nick looked up sharply at this remark, and Irene gasped a little. "Did you say anything?" she asked him. Danny shook his head.  
"She knows something's wrong, but I got her to go back to sleep…said I'd talk to her when she woke up. She…" Here, the numbness started to give way once again. "Irene, she asked if she could go lay down with her mom in our bed!" He covered his face with his hands, again starting to bend under the weight of grief and tears. Nick and Irene hurried around to the other side of the island, and both grabbed him roughly into a group hug. Nick was wiping tears off his face as they released him, and Irene was shaking.

"Danny, I called your mom. She said she's on the next flight she can get. I told her to call when she knows what time she'll be arriving." Irene folded her arms around herself as if warming herself.

"Thank you…" Danny managed to choke out. He glanced at the wall clock; it was approaching 6:00am. The girls' alarm would be going off soon, and he berated himself for not turning off their alarm while they were still sleeping. If he went up now, they'd probably wake up as he opened their door. He was getting antsy now, ready to have the dreaded conversation over and done with. And then he'd have to repeat it with his brother-in-law, Jesse, and with his mother, and his sister, and…

Irene seemed to be able to read his mind. "Any time now, huh?" she asked. He nodded his affirmation. "Okay, Dan, why don't you go sit down and try to rest for a few minutes, hmm?" she said as she shooed him back into the living room. She rolled up her sleeves and thought she'd make pancakes in case anyone happened to be hungry, as Nick started making a pot of coffee.

Danny did indeed go sit on the sofa and lean his head back, shutting his eyes for a few silent minutes. He couldn't sleep. All he could see was Pam. Pam, alive and vibrant at their prom, and at their wedding when they'd eloped. Pam, dead and ghastly pale on a cold metal table in a cold metal room. He squeezed his eyes shut even more but snapped them open when he heard the girls' bedroom doors open within a few seconds of each other and the bathroom door shut three seconds later. His heart started to pound. Any minute now. He wagered that the one in the bathroom was D.J., and discovered he was correct when Stephanie came bounding down the stairs a few seconds later, still in pink pajamas and unkempt hair.

Stephanie was worried. She'd managed to go back to sleep but had woken up with immediate anxiety filling her. Her dad had looked terrible, even for someone awake in the middle of the night, and what had all those strange noises been? And she hadn't remembered hearing her mom at all in the night and had gone to her parents' bedroom just now only to find it empty. So, she was relieved to see her father on the couch at first, but noticed he was still in his clothes from the day before, and he was unshaven, and he looked even worse than when she'd seen him on the stairs. He had deep circles under puffy eyes, and there wasn't an ounce of joy on his face. He looked pale and…sad. She walked into the living room but stopped a few feet short of the couch. Her father was looking at her dazedly. He seemed…. nervous.

"Daddy?" she asked cautiously. He seemed to focus on her then. "Oh, hi, Steph."

"Daddy, are you alright?"

"Umm…come sit with me, Steph. Is D.J. in the bathroom?"

Stephanie nodded, blond curls bouncing, and she went and sat close to Danny on the couch. Worry was etched on her face. "Daddy, what is going _ON_?" she demanded. Nick had heard her and came walking in from the kitchen just then. Stephanie gasped and hopped up from the couch, running over to hug her grandfather.

"Grandpa Nick!" she squealed as she hugged him tightly around his waist. "Wait, what are you doing here so early?" she asked innocently, looking up at him curiously.

"Well…" Nick began, but was cut off by D.J. exclaiming, "Grandpa Nick!" as she ran down the stairs and went to hug him along with her sister. She was still in her nightgown, but her hair and teeth were freshly brushed. But she stepped back after a minute, saying, "wait, yeah what _are_ you doing here so early?" Her brow furrowed, and she noticed her weary-looking and unshaven father on the couch. "Dad…?" she began, but this time Nick was able to cut her off.

"Hey, kids! Grandma Irene is in the kitchen, why don't you go say hi?" he said, with as much fake happiness as he could muster. The girls still looked worriedly at their father but ran in to the kitchen to greet their grandmother. Nick blew out a heavy breath. Danny was lacing and unlacing his fingers together, fidgeting. He looked up at his father-in-law, pleadingly. He almost felt like he would lose his nerve, but he was able to draw strength from some inner place. It needed to be done, and soon, before the girls tried to get ready for school or Kimmy Gibbler came busting through the door looking for D.J. Before Jesse or his mother arrived. Danny wanted – needed – the girls' full attention.

Danny was about to ask Nick to call the girls back in when Irene came into the living room from the kitchen, each hand holding one of the girls'. "Girls," Irene said. "Come sit down with your father. He – we – need to talk to you." And she led them to the couch. Stephanie climbed into Danny's lap and D.J. sat beside him, worry once again etched on her face.

Danny took a deep, shaking breath. He looked into each girl's face, and said, "D.J., Stephanie…I need to tell you something. It's going to be very hard to hear but I need you to listen to me, now." He closed his eyes for a second, drawing strength. The tension from the girls was palpable. "Girls…last night, after you went to bed, your mom went out to the grocery store. She was on her way home when…when…" Another deep, shuddering breath. That knot in his chest had never really gone away. "She was in a car accident. A drunk driver hit her side of the car, going way too fast, and she…" here he had to stop again. Irene sat down next to D.J. on the couch in preparation for what was coming next.

"Girls…your mother was killed in that accident last night." He went silent and looked at his daughters, one after the other. Stephanie didn't seem to understand. D.J. was in shock.

"What do you mean, Daddy?" Stephanie asked, her voice quavering.

"He's telling us Mom is DEAD, Steph!" D.J. cried. She turned to her father. "I don't believe you!" she yelled, balling her fists in frustration and disbelief. "I don't! Mom's not dead!"

"D.J….D.J., honey, I'm so sorry, but it's true. I wish it wasn't. More than anything in this world, I wish it wasn't true. But sweetheart, I'm just…I'm so sorry. Your mom is gone." He shifted Stephanie in his lap, and she turned to bury her face in his shoulder and wrap her arms around his neck. She was beginning to weep softly. D.J.'s eyes were welling up, and hot tears started falling down her cheeks. Stephanie was sad, D.J. was angry, and they were both in shock. Irene was rubbing D.J.'s back as D.J. started to cry harder. Irene was about to grab D.J. when she heard Michelle begin to cry in the baby monitor.

"Ohhhh," Danny moaned, squeezing his eyes shut. The sound of all three girls crying was too much. He'd been trying to hold it together while comforting Stephanie, but it hit him all over again right then and there. He made as if he was going to get up and get Michelle when Irene stopped him.

"Shhh, no Danny, I'll go get her." Irene said softly as she hurried upstairs. Overwhelmed, Danny gathered D.J. into his arms so both of his older girls were crying against him and with him. Nick, also overwhelmed, had sank onto the couch next to Danny, his chin in his hand and he used the other to rub D.J.'s back.

Irene had started her way downstairs with the now calm and pleased baby, Michelle, when the front door opened.

Jesse, in his customary fashion, was still in his leather riding gear, motorcycle helmet in hand, and had come boisterously through the door.

"Look alive! Uncle Jesse's here!"

Better end it here, otherwise I'll have a novel-length chapter! Please R&R


	5. Chapter 5 - Shock

Jesse was having the time of his life. As he rode on his Harley back to San Francisco, he couldn't stop thinking about... oh, what's-her-name, umm... oh! Tiffany! That's it. Her name was Tiffany. Voluminous golden-brown hair, dark eyes, red pouty lips...Jesse happily reminisced about the last few days with her (and her showgirl costume, and her long, long legs...). He had to remind himself to keep his eyes on the road, and to pay attention. He thought about going back to San Fran to crash at his 'rents and thought about how excited his nieces and sister (and even his dorky, stuffy, brother-in-law) would be to see him. He realized guiltily that he hadn't seen Michelle much since she was born and hadn't talked to his sister in almost three weeks.

Well, now he was planning on being back in San Fran for a while, so he knew he'd make it up to her, and his nieces. He thought about stopping on the way back to buy some gifts, but it was the middle of the night and no stores were open yet. _Actually, _he thought. _The girls will be getting ready for the school by the time I get to Mom and Dad's anyway..._

Most of the rest of his solitary ride was spent thinking about Tiffany (_Have mercy!)_, his sister, his nieces, Danny, his parents... Tiffany again...

Time flew by as he hit the home stretch for San Francisco, and the sky began to just barely change from dark blue and black to warm pink and orange. He easily rode the motorcycle through the city's streets; most people weren't on the road yet for work and traffic was light. He was getting to his parents' house well before 6am, but his brow furrowed when he noticed the Buick was gone. _Strange_, he though, and wondered if his father had taken the car to the shop in Jesse's absence. But Jesse also noticed the little lamp was left on in the kitchen...

He felt his heart begin to race. Something was wrong. He walked over to the little desk where his mother's desk lamp softly illuminated a corner of the kitchen. There, he saw a note scrawled in his father's handwriting: "Jesse, come to Pam and Danny's as soon as you see this. Pop." Jesse's brow furrowed. This was strange, to say the least. He tapped the note against his palm, thinking, and then, in true Jesse fashion, decided the best thing to do would be to just go over there. So, he once again hopped on the Harley, zipping through still-sleepy residential streets until he arrived at his sister's house. He saw his parents' Buick in the driveway, and Danny's convertible, but not his sister's Volvo. _Maybe she parked it out back_, he thought. He cut the engine and sat on his bike for a minute. It was just after 6am, but all the lights in the house were on. Maybe things were fine, or maybe one of the kids got sick in the middle of the night and Pamela and Danny needed some extra help...

As he approached the front door, helmet in hand, he could hear noises from inside. _Sounds like everyone is awake_, he thought, and it cheered him up. He tried the door, found it unlocked, and decided to make his signature big entrance.

"Look alive, Uncle Jesse's here!"

Jesse hadn't been sure what to expect but walking into a room full of his crying family (minus the now-calm Michelle), was not even close. He scanned the room as tearful faces looked up at him in shock - his bold entrance had surprised everyone.

His mother tried speaking to him first. "Jesse..." she began, but she started to choke up. She looked over at Nick pleadingly. Nick stood up and walked toward his son. Jesse could see his dad's shoulders shaking, and saw his red-rimmed, teary eyes. It scared him; Jesse couldn't remember he'd seen his father look this despondent. He felt his heart jump, and he gripped his helmet tighter in his hand. "Pop...Pop what's going on?" He now stood facing his father in the living room, and he suddenly noticed that he hadn't seen his sister at all. Danny was sitting on the couch holding a weeping Stephanie and D.J. Jesse's eyes widened as a realization began to hit him.

"Where...where's Pam?" Nick reached out and placed his hands on his son's shoulders, and glanced at Danny, who nodded. Nick was non-verbally asking if he should be the one to tell his son that his sister was dead. At Danny's nod, he took a deep breath and looked his son in the eyes. Nick could feel his son begin to tremble under his father's hands as he struggled to keep it together. Finally, Nick spoke.

"Jesse, son..." Nick paused, but there were no bones about it. He had to tell him. "Jess, your sister was in a car accident last night. She...she didn't make it, son." Nick paused, waiting for Jesse's reaction. Jesse only blinked at his father, clenching his jaw and trying to subdue his emotions. He tried to speak but couldn't quite form the words. His eyes darted over to his mother, and then to his forlorn brother-in-law. He looked back at his father, mouthing the words, "_This can't be true..._" Nick understood and pulled his son in for a rough hug. Jesse stood there stiffly, barely able to tell his arms to wrap around his father. He felt the tears well up in his eyes and couldn't stop them no matter how hard he tried. He was choking back the sobs, not wanting to cry in front of everyone, but no matter how hard his mind tried to control it, his body refused to obey, and tears started rolling down his face. His motorcycle helmet clattered to the floor, forgotten. He was in shock; nothing was making sense.

Jesse pulled back and looked at his brother-in-law, who set Stephanie on the couch beside her sister and stood up. Jesse took all of it in: Danny looked awful; the worst Jesse had ever seen him. Jesse looked up at him uncomprehendingly.

"Dan," he began. "What happened? Were you with her? The girls…?" Danny was already shaking his head. "No, no, Jess," Danny replied, and relayed back to him what he had already told his in-laws. Drunk driver, hit and run, Pam pronounced DOA. Jesse could still barely believe it.

"No." He said, firmly. "No. Danny, no. You're wrong. It's just not possible!"

Danny's face softened as he looked at his brother in law sympathetically. "Jesse, it's true. It's her. I…. I had to go identify her body. I _saw_ her. I… I touched her face, and her hair. Jesse, she's gone." Danny was trying not to get defensive: if anyone wanted this to be just not true, it was him, so he could understand Jesse's reaction. Jesse's face was red, and his jaw was clenched. He was still struggling to keep his emotions under control, but was failing. Danny wanted to grab his brother in law and hug him but Jesse was full of frenetic energy. Jesse paced the living room for a moment, and suddenly realized he hadn't hugged his nieces or said anything to them. Stephanie was sitting on the couch staring at her feet, her chin in her hands. D.J.'s eyes were red and puffy, and she sat on the couch with her arms folded, not really looking at anyone or anything in particular.

Jesse's heart went out to them. He _loved_ his nieces dearly, and knew how much they loved their mom. He managed to get it together enough to kneel down in front of Stephanie and gently lift her face to she was looking at him eye to eye. His heart broke all over again seeing her sad, downcast eyes, just as puffy and red as D.J.'s.

"Steph," he said, and she met his gaze and held it. He softly placed one of his hands over hers, and did the same for his oldest niece. "Deej," he said, gently. Now they were both staring at him. "Girls….I don't know what to say. I…I love your mom, very much. And I love you girls, and Michelle, and…" looking into their faces did him in once again, and as he knelt on the floor he opened his arms and they both hugged him. The three of them started crying all over again, as did Danny who stood nearby, and Nick and Irene. The only happy one was Michelle, blessedly oblivious to the turmoil around her.

The tear subsided after a few minutes, and Jesse stood up and looked up at Danny. In the midst of Jesse's anger and denial and sadness, he finally noticed the sorrow on Danny's face. Sure he thought Danny was a bit of a geek, but he loved Pam and had always been good to her. Jesse wasn't much for hugging other guys, but he made an exception. Just as he had for his nieces, Jesse opened his arms for his grieving brother in law, and the two men tightly embraced. Jesse could feel Danny shaking.

"Thanks, Jess," Danny murmured as they pulled apart. The two men stared at each other, united in their shared grief and shared love of a woman who was such a key part of both of their lives. Jesse walked over and half-hugged his mother, who handed Michelle to Danny so she could fully hug her son. Danny held Michelle, Irene held her son (who was again fighting sobs), and Nick went back to the couch to sit with the girls. For a few minutes they all held each other, until D.J. broke the silence.

"Dad…what are we going to do now?"

Danny looked at his oldest daughter, as if for the first time. In her face he could see some vestiges of himself, and his mother, and even Irene, but mostly he saw Pam, especially in those red rimmed eyes that looked up at him expectantly. Stephanie was snuggled up with Grandpa Nick, and also raised tearful eyes to her father's face. Danny could feel all the eyes of his family on him.

Danny knew what he _wanted_ to do. He wanted to go upstairs and lie down in his bed and never get up again. He was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. His eyes felt raw from crying and that _nagging_ knot was still sitting heavy in the center of his chest. But when he saw his daughters' eyes – her eyes – Danny knew exactly what he needed to say.

He took a deep breath. "We will…We will take care of each other. We will help one another get through this." Another deep, shuddering breath. "And we will….honor her memory." He looked around and saw small smiles intermixed with teary eyes.

Jesse stepped forward, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands. Danny's proclamation had energized him, at least for a moment. "Come on guys, Danny's right. We still have each other, don't we?" Jesse clapped Danny on the shoulder, and looked around at his family. He thought about his sister, _Pam wouldn't wallow in self-pity, she would step up and help everyone smile through it_. "We're going to stick together, we're going to take care of each other, and we're going to honor Pam and what she means to us."

Jesse actually managed to smile.

Author's Note: I may end it here, I may keep it going. Leave a review and let me know what you think.


	6. Chapter 6 - What Now?

Author's Note: Sorry this update took so long. My computer deleted my first draft! To make it up to you, this chapter is a little longer than previous ones. Make sure to read and review – and follow! Turns out I'm not even close to done yet.

The rest of the morning was a blur. Danny couldn't believe so much had happened in the twelve hours since Pam had left to go to the store. His brain refused to believe she was gone even after he had called a funeral home to pick up Pam's body and make the arrangements for the viewing, the service, and the burial. Danny couldn't stand the idea of cremating his wife, so he'd made an appointment to visit the funeral home, meet with the director, and pick out her casket. Even as he did those things, and he could hear his mother in law feeding the girls in the kitchen, and Nick and Jesse's voices as they spoke quietly in the nook, Danny didn't really think any of it was real. Somehow, this was all a fantasy, and Pam would call or cheerfully come through the front door, apologizing for taking so long at the store.

Danny hung up with the funeral home and just sat on the couch, staring ahead. Without any more immediate tasks to complete, the hollow feeling had returned, along with that knot in his chest. Nick and Jesse were still behind him in the nook. Jesse was very worried about his brother-in-law. Sure, Jesse had lost his big sister, whom he loved and admired, but Danny had lost his _wife_. His dad had told him Danny had wept when he'd called Nick and Irene, and when he'd come home from the morgue, but he soon seemed to drain of all emotion once he'd had to start making calls.

Jesse looked his father in the eyes for a moment, then approached Danny. Jesse crouched down in front of the sofa and gently touched Danny on the arm. As if in a daze, Danny blinked and looked down at Jesse, his face blank.

"Dan," Jesse began, rubbing Danny's arm gently. Danny blinked again, slowly, and to Jesse it seemed like Danny had aged twenty years in one night. Plus, he smelled.

"Danny," Jesse said again. "Come on, man. Let's get in the shower and into some clean clothes, okay?" Danny looked far off into space for another moment, then nodded once and slowly stood, his stiff joints protesting. Nick headed into the kitchen to help Irene while Jesse steered his brother-in-law up the stairs.

Jesse managed to get him all the way upstairs and even halfway down the hall before Danny stopped. He was shaking his head dazedly. "I can't go in there Jess." Jesse followed Danny's gaze and realized what he'd meant: Danny and Pam's bedroom. Jesse took a deep breath and placed his hand on Danny's arm again to guide him.

"I know it's hard, man, but come on, we've got to go in there. Your clothes are in there, your things... your shower..." Jesse pulled on Danny's arm gently and steered him in there, opening the door and pushing Danny ahead of him into the master bedroom. Danny managed to take a few steps in the door, his eyes intentionally avoiding their bed, their photos...he squeezed his eyes shut and was starting to breathe shallow breaths. Jesse grabbed Danny by both arms and guided him into the bathroom.

"Dan, go on, take a shower. I'll even pick some clothes out and lay them on your bed, okay?" Jesse heard a muffled "okay" from the bathroom as he heard Danny obediently start the water. He began opening drawers and found clean boxers ("Not how I thought this day would go," Jesse thought to himself) and went to the closet to get a fresh pair of pants and a shirt. He had trouble finding something he liked (why was his brother in law such a geeky dresser?) but finally settled on a blue button-down dress shirt and a pair of blue jeans as he avoided looking at any of his sister's things. Jesse even grabbed a pair of sneakers and socks and laid it all on the bed. He found his gaze wandering around all the pictures framed at the head of the bed...around the walls...on the dressers...and found that like Danny, he too needed to quickly shut his eyes and take some deep, deep breaths, but his eyes snapped open when he heard the water shut off.

Danny stood in front of the mirror, one towel around his waist as he used another one to dry his hair and face. He stopped for a minute, looking himself over. The shower and shave had helped, but he still barely recognized the pale, dark-haired man with dark circles under his eyes staring back at him. His brain tried to focus on the glint of his wedding ring, but he ignored it. None of this was real anyway. He sighed heavily and cracked open the bathroom door.

"Jess?" Danny saw his young brother in law still standing in the bedroom, and some clean clothes laid out on the bed. Jesse turned and awkwardly gestured at the clothes on the bed. "Yeah, I... ah...picked out some stuff for you. I'll head back downstairs... but make sure you come down when you're ready, okay?" Jesse did not want Danny to be alone for too long, especially in _this_ room.

Danny nodded mechanically as Jesse turned and started to walk out of the room. As he approached the door, he heard a gruff, tired voice say, "Jess, could you do me a favor?" And Jesse nodded emphatically.

"Sure, Dan, anything you need. What's up?"

"Could you please call Joey for me, and tell him what's happened? I just don't know if I could get the words out."

Jesse paused. Joey was Danny's goofball best friend, and while Jesse didn't necessarily dislike Joey, per say, he wasn't exactly Jesse's favorite person. But this wasn't exactly an ordinary day either. He nodded again. "Yeah, Danny, sure I will."

"Thanks, Jess." Danny replied, still peering out from behind the bathroom door. Jesse turned and quietly shut the bedroom door behind him. He started to head downstairs. By now, the girls had finished breakfast. Nick was playing with Michelle while the other two helped Irene clean up. Jesse knew she was trying to keep them busy. He went to the phone in the living room, found Joey's number, and dialed. It rang three times before a sleepy voice answered. Jesse glanced at the clock: it was 8:45am. Not exactly the crack of dawn, but Jesse knew better than to get judgmental about the issue of what time a person gets out of bed.

"Joseph, it's Jesse. Jesse Katsopolis."

"Jess? Oh, hi." Joey sat up in his bed, Tom & Jerry pajamas and all. Why would _Jesse_, of all people, be calling _him_? "Umm...what's up?" Joey wasn't awake enough for goofiness just yet, but he looked down and saw his Yogi Bear slippers and smiled a little. He heard Jesse clear his throat, but he still wasn't saying anything. Joey prodded again.

"Jesse?" His breath caught in his throat. "Jesse, is something wrong?" Joey could hear a *bump* noise as Jesse shifted the phone in his hand.

"Joey...listen I'm over here at Danny and Pam's. There's uh...there's been an accident. Pam... uh..." Jesse found he was having trouble getting it all out. _I know what Danny meant when he said he wasn't sure if he could get the words out,_ He thought. He took a deep breath and decided to just say it all.

"Joey, last night Pam was in a car accident, and she...ah...she didn't make it. She's...dead. She's dead, Joey." He heard Joey suck in a breath but didn't hear him exhale at all. "So uh, look, Dan's family are on their way here, and my parents and I are here, and Danny asked me to call you..." he trailed off, unsure of what should be said next.

Joey's heart was pounding in panic and shock. He gulped and managed to gasp out, "okay, Jess. I-I'll be there as soon as I can." He could hear Jesse's acknowledgement, and before Jesse could hang up Joey added, "and Jesse...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Jesse was moved, and tears pricked his eyes. "Thanks, Joey," he managed to choke out. He hung up the phone and leaned back against the couch. A few tears escaped his closed eyelids and he realized how _tired_ he was. He'd been awake since the previous morning and had ridden his motorcycle all night...and now the emotional turmoil and grief had exhausted him even more. He felt his consciousness sink further into blackness, and his breathing slowed as sleep overtook him.

Upstairs, Danny had slowly, mechanically, finished drying himself off and gotten dressed. It all felt hollow. _Why shower and get dressed if Pam is dead?_ A part of his mind wondered. A different part of the brain thought, _But she's not dead!_ He was awash in the kind of grief that makes a person unsure of what is real and what is not, and the brain decides _both_ things are real at the same time. And that damn _knot_ was still present, sitting right above his sternum. He finished putting on his shoes and just stayed seated on the bed, forcing himself not to look at the pictures on the windowsill, or his wife's jewelry box and knick-knacks and sunglasses and hairbrush on her dresser. He was completely exhausted but couldn't bring himself to lay down on his (their?) bed where he knew he would smell her scent still lingering on her pillow and on the bedclothes.

He belatedly, and guiltily, realized he had three children downstairs whom he had not seen in almost an hour. He knew they were being well cared for by their grandparents, but as tired as he was, he suddenly and desperately wanted to be with them.

The phone next to the sofa began to ring, startling Jesse out of his sleep. He blinked several times and blearily reached for the phone, but Nick beat him to it.

"Hello?" A pause. "Oh yes, hi, Claire." Jesse came fully into consciousness. It was Danny's mom on the phone. Jesse listened intently to his father's side of the conversation. "Yeah, uh-huh. 11:30? Okay sure, one of us will be there."

Danny had started to come down the stairs then and stopped a few steps from the bottom. Nick noticed him as Claire asked, "Nick, how is my son?"

Nick was looking at Danny when he said, "Honestly, Claire, not that great. But who can blame him?" He ran his free hand through his hair. "We'll see you at 11:30 okay? Okay, Claire. Bye-bye."

Danny walked the final few steps into the living room. Nick looked up at him. "Your mom and dad will be at the airport at 11:30, so I'll leave to go pick them up." Danny nodded absently.

"Where are the girls?"

Nick cocked his thumb over his shoulder. "In the kitchen with Grandma. I think she's teaching them how to make cannoli or some other Italian thing." He saw Danny staring at the kitchen door, as though he were afraid of going in. "Irene's been keeping them busy, Dan. To be honest, I think D.J. is the only one who really understands."

Danny sighed, exhaling heavily. "Nick, I'm not sure that _I _understand it." Nick gave him a small, sympathetic smile. "I know what you mean, Danny. I know what you mean."

Danny walked into the kitchen and couldn't help but smile. D.J. had Michelle on her hip as she watched Irene and Stephanie (both covered in flour) roll out a sizeable ball of dough on the floured countertop. All four of them looked up as he walked to the counter, forcing a smile as he asked, "and how are all my girls?"

Stephanie ran around and gave him a floury hug around his waist. Stephanie was barely five years old, and the concept of the finality of death escaped her. Grandpa Nick and Grandma Irene had explained that Mommy was gone and was now living with God and the angels, but why couldn't Mommy at least come _visit_? And they had talked about how sad Daddy would be, and them, and how of course Stephanie and D.J. were allowed to be sad, but Stephanie felt more confused than sad.

Danny gave her a half smile and glanced over at D.J., who was shifting Michelle on her hip. D.J. had been around her father long enough to recognize his forced "everything is fine" face (although he was barely managing at this point). He saw her staring at him and asked, "and you, Deej? How…" Danny stopped. It was a stupid question, but he didn't know what else to say. "How are you, honey?"

D.J. could only shrug as she shifted the baby's weight again. Danny reached his arms out to take her, and as D.J. handed Michelle over Danny planted a kiss on the top of D.J.'s head. "I know this is hard, Deej. Believe me, I know. But we have each other. We always have each other." His voice broke a little though, and it didn't escape her.

D.J. was nodding at this, but didn't say out loud her secret thought: _but what if something happens to YOU, Dad?_

Just then the doorbell rang. Danny turned and walked into the living room in time to see Joey bursting through the door, his blond curly hair a mess, his shirt wrinkled (although that could easily have been the norm for Joey). Joey walked in; arms open. "Danny, oh my God, Danny I'm so sorry…" Danny handed Michelle off to Nick's waiting hands and accepted his friend's comforting hug. "Thanks, Joey," Danny said, muffled against Joey's shoulder. They released one another, and Joey turned to Nick and Jesse. "Nick, Jess…I don't really have the words…" Nick clapped Joey on the shoulder in thanks. He remembered that Danny and Joey had known each other since elementary school, and they'd known Pam since 10th grade.

Joey met Nick's eyes for a minute, then looked over at Jesse, who gave Joey the same clap on the shoulder his father had. The four men looked at each other for a minute. Joey could see that Danny was about to be overcome with tears any second, and so grabbed his friend by the arm and led him to the sofa. Danny sat down heavily, and Joey sat beside him, looking frantically between Danny and Jesse.

"Danny, Jesse….so what happened? When? Were the girls there? Danny were you…?" But Danny was shaking his head as tears started to fall once more, and he turned his upper body and face away as he tried to regain control but failed. Danny was realizing that this was going to be his norm for a while: answering question after painful question, over and over again. Maybe for forever.

Nick opted to be the one to explain the situation to Joey, hoping to save Danny a modicum of grief. Joey stared at Nick slack-jawed, then at Jesse and Danny. Joey was rarely speechless but this was an exception, and he found himself descending into tears as well. Nick bounced the baby as he watched the scene helplessly, and Jesse similarly didn't really know what to say, but he _was_ a man of action. He needed to _do_ something. He turned to his father.

"Pop, what time do you need to leave for the airport?"

Nick shifted Michelle and looked at his watch. "Well, with traffic, I should leave in about an hour…" Jesse clapped his hands together and rubbed them. "Okay, what can we do in that hour? Danny, what time do you need to go to the funeral home?"

Danny rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Umm, I should go and be back before my mom and sister get here, I think...and if they're landing at 11:30, and will probably not be here until 12:30…."

Jesse nodded vigorously. "Okay, so we'll head there in a few minutes and get the ball rolling, okay? Now, who else do we need to call?" Jesse hoped he wasn't being callous, but he knew if he could get everyone doing something, it would take their minds off the loss, at least temporarily.

Danny was shaking his head, but Joey said, "well we have other family members and friends to call, right? I can take care of that if you give me the numbers…" Jesse nodded again. "Okay, great, thanks Joseph. Danny, I'll go with you to the funeral home, alright?" Danny managed a nod, although he was still facing away from everyone, staring vaguely in the direction of the fireplace. Nick headed towards the kitchen, saying, "I better let Irene know what the plan is." He handed Michelle back to Danny and went to talk to his wife.

Soon after, Michelle had been given a bottle and put down for her morning nap. Irene had helped the girls get dressed and had them making their beds and straightening up their rooms in an effort to keep the schedule as normal as possible. Joey had settled on the couch with the address/phone book and a cup of coffee, ready to make calls. Nick was getting ready to head home to shower and change clothes and then leave for the airport as Jesse and Danny headed out the door to go to the funeral home. Jesse was glad they had taken the effort to get Danny showered and in clean clothes, but realized that he could _also_ use some fresh clothes…but it would have to wait.

He noticed Danny stop on the walkway towards the driveway, fiddling with his keys. Jesse turned and looked at him. "Danny, come on, what's wrong?"

Danny held up his key to Pam's car. "I… I grabbed this key out of habit…" Jesse sighed, and also made a mental note to call the police station and find out where Pam's car had been towed to so they could make the necessary arrangements for _that_ as well. Danny stood there, rubbing the key with his fingers, and walked back to him and gently grabbed his elbow. "Come on, we can take the convertible…"

They ended up having to take Joey's car, and Jesse drove as Danny stared out the window and gave him directions. They pulled up in front of a neat brick building with impeccable landscaping. A tall man with equally impeccable hair and sharp black suit greeted them in the lobby.

"Good morning, sirs. May I help you?" He asked.

Danny took a deep breath. "I'm Danny Tanner, and this is my brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis. I believe I spoke to you this morning about…the funeral for my wife, Pamela Tanner?"

The man gave a soft smile. "Yes, Mr. Tanner, I remember. My name is Robert Whitman; please follow me to my office."

They spent the next hour with Mr. Whitman, picking out a casket, deciding on a time and place for the service, finding a cemetery plot, and so on. Danny was grateful to have Jesse there, and even more grateful that he didn't have to see Pam's body again. Mr. Whitman had had the body picked up not long before Danny and Jesse arrived. There _would_ be a viewing, as Whitman believed they could cosmetically fix her face and hair to be suitable for said viewing… _but I don't have to look at her_, Danny thought. They decided the wake would be tomorrow evening, and the service and burial the day after that, to give everyone enough time to prepare and come to San Francisco if need be. Danny was not convinced he would _ever_ be fully prepared, but it was what it was.

Having completed everything they needed to for the time being, the men stood. Whitman shook Danny's hand, but as he reached for Jesse's, Jesse asked, "Can I see her?" Danny looked at him in shock as Whitman raised an eyebrow.

"She's my sister, and I know I'll see her at the viewing, but I wanted…I want to see her alone. In private. Without everyone looking at me…to have a private moment with her. Please." He said this haltingly, not sure if he was making sense. Whitman looked at Danny. "If it's alright with you, Mr. Tanner…?" Danny nodded his assent, and sat back down in the chair in front of Whitman's desk, as Whitman led Jesse downstairs. He opened the door for him, walked to the table holding Pam's body, patted him on the shoulder, and said, "Just come upstairs when you're done. I'll be in my office with Mr. Tanner."

Whitman shut the door, and Jesse started at the Pam-shaped lump under the sheet on the cold metal table. He tentatively grasped a corner of the sheet with his fingers and slowly pulled it back. He gasped out loud at the sight of her pallor, and the faded bruise on her left cheek and jaw. They'd shut her eyes, and evidently set her jaw. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he looked down at his beloved older sister. Up until this point, he had wept, and felt immense grief, but it hadn't been _real_ until this exact moment. He took a shuddering breath, forcing himself to keep looking at her face, memorizing her features. He was grateful his parents hadn't insisted on coming; bad enough they would see her with make up on at the viewing.

He slowly reached out and touched her hair gently. "Oh, Pammy," he said, tears pricking his eyes as a lump formed in his throat. "Why did it have to be you? You should be here, alive, with your family….maybe _I _should have been there…" he shut his eyes; none of what he was saying made any sense but he had to let it out. "I don't know what we're going to do without you, Pam," he muttered as he stroked her blonde hair absently. He even allowed a few more tears to spill down his cheeks as he choked back a sob. He listened for a second, and when he didn't hear any voices or footsteps in the hallway he allowed himself to fully weep over her body; this need for emotional release had been bubbling in him for hours and he could finally allow himself to let it come forth. He didn't know how much time had passed when he finally heard his sobs subside.

Jesse took a deep, shuddering breath, and bent down to gently kiss his sister on the forehead.

"Don't worry, Pam. I'll take care of them."

Author's End Note: Next chapter is the funeral….


	7. Chapter 7 - Conversations

Author's Note: Just kidding. Funeral is in the next chapter. Had more things I wanted to cover.

Chapter Notes: Full House briefly mentions Danny's dad in the first episode, but I can't find anything on what his actual name is. Also, his mom in my head is the actress from the first episode, but feel free to picture Doris Roberts instead. It all depends on who your favorite Granny Tanny is. I also picture Irene as she appeared in the majority of the show, as portrayed by Yvonne Wilder.

Irene leaned against the kitchen counter, holding her third cup of coffee in her hands and taking advantage of an opportunity to mull over the last few hours. She hadn't yet told Danny that she'd taken responsibility for calling the news station informing them of what happened. The station manager had of course been completely understanding, had offered condolences, and had even asked for the details of the service. Irene told him she would call back when she had the details. She'd also called Mrs. Gibbler earlier that morning, unbeknownst to DJ, and quickly filled Kimmy's mom in on the situation as well; the last thing she wanted was the added variable of Kimmy showing up at the house while everything was already so chaotic.

It was mid-May, but Irene still shivered a little all the same, warming her hands on her mug. It was true that she had been keeping the girls busy to keep their minds off of things and to maintain what little sense of normalcy that she could. But Irene had been doing that for _herself_ as well. And now that Michelle was down for a nap and the older girls were upstairs...

Nick had gone home to shower and change before going to the airport. Joey had been handed a list of names and phone numbers and had planted himself on the couch with the phone and a cup of coffee to make the necessary calls. And Danny and Jesse...oh how her heart ached at the thought of them at the funeral home, making arrangements for her daughter's...

Funeral.

_There_, she thought. _I've thought the word. But I won't say it out loud. Not yet._ She listened intently for any sounds of the baby crying or the girls fighting, but all she heard was their muffled footsteps upstairs, Joey's voice floating into the kitchen from the other room, and the _tick tick tick_ of the kitchen clock.

Nick shifted his feet, impatiently waiting for the sight of Claire and Edgar Tanner amongst all the other people deplaning at the gate. He hadn't seen his in-laws since Christmas, and this was not the way he thought it would go the next time they saw each other. Standing still and waiting meant he was _still_ and when he was _still_ it gave his mind time to _think_. Nick did not want to think right now. An idle mind meant thinking of his daughter and he was not ready to face that pain. Volunteering to pick up the Tanners meant not being in that house for a while and it gave him something to do.

He finally spotted Claire's tall frame and blonde hair, and Edgar's nearly bald head trailing behind her. He raised his hand in greeting and even managed a half smile as they approached. He and Edgar gripped each other's hands tightly, and he and Claire embraced. Claire put her hand on his arm and said, "Nick, oh my God, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I can't even imagine what - " but cut herself off, shaking her head. Nick nodded, managing to keep the lump in his throat at bay. "Thank you, Claire. And thank you both for getting here so soon." He gestured for them to walk towards baggage claim.

"Nick, how is Danny? And how are the girls?" Claire asked as they began to walk. Nick sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair again. "Honestly, Claire, everyone is still in shock. Danny has cried...and I mean, all of us have, but it's not really..._real_ yet, you know?" They walked in silence for another minute before Nick added, "when I left, Danny and Jesse were going to the funeral home to finish the arrangements and Irene was taking care of the girls. Joey Gladstone was there making more phone calls...Danny called us just after midnight and we rushed right over and had been there ever since..." he trailed off, unsure of what else to say. Claire was nodding along.

The drive back to the house was quiet. Nick could tell that Claire and Edgar wanted to ask more questions but kept a respectful silence aside from a few polite comments as they drove through San Francisco. They pulled up to the house and Nick noticed that Danny and Jesse must have been back because the driveway was full.

The elder Tanners' entrance was another eventful one. Claire dropped to her knees as D.J. and Stephanie ran towards her. "My _angels_!" Claire exclaimed as she peppered both girls with kisses and hugged them tightly. Danny came down the stairs with a freshly changed Michelle, who was happily handed into Edgar's waiting arms as Claire grabbed her son in a tight hug, which Danny returned gladly. Claire released her hug but took her son's hand and led him to the nook so she could talk to him in semi-private. She looked up at her son as Danny tried to meet her gaze. She could see that he was freshly shaven but the lines around his eyes didn't lie; nor did the way his jaw muscles seemed to be permanently clenched. The grief and exhaustion in him was plain to be seen. She took his other hand so that he had to fully face her.

"Danny," she said gently. "My boy. I'm so sorry, son. I know how much you loved her." He nodded dumbly, blinking rapidly, trying to force himself not to cry yet again. "I'm sorry, Danny," she said again, and this time he nodded and squeezed her hands. "Thanks, Mom," he said softly. "Thanks for getting here so soon," he added. "Well as soon as I hung up with Irene, I woke up your father and we started packing. I called the airport every ten minutes until I got an airline that had agents available..." He nodded some more as she trailed off. He squeezed her hands again, and, keeping his right hand in her left, walked back to the group still milling around the living room.

Danny called a family meeting, and everyone found a spot in the living room: the couch, the chair, the hearth, the floor, or leaning against the mantle or back of the couch. He drew a long, shuddering breath, briefly closing his eyes to center himself. He looked around at his family and opened his mouth to talk about the plans for the viewing and the funeral, to make some great statement about his wife...and found he couldn't get the words out. So, he stood there awkwardly for a moment as the family's collective brows furrowed. Jesse stepped forward, putting his hand on Danny' shoulder and facing the group.

"Okay, everyone," Jesse began. "I know this has been a hard day for all of us, and I hate to say it, but it's going to get harder. The next few days and weeks will probably be some of the hardest of our lives, but..." and here Jesse also took a deep breath and squeezed Danny's shoulder. "We are going to stick together, we will get through this together, and we will honor Pam's memory together. We are still a family. Everybody got that?" A sea of teary and tired eyes looked back at him, nodding heads bobbing in agreement. Jesse heard Danny take a breath sharply, as if preparing to say something. Danny finally managed to draw up the strength to speak to his gathered family.

"Jesse's right," Danny began, though his voice was rough with exhaustion and grief. "We are a family. And I... I want to thank everyone for all of their help today..." he paused, realizing it hadn't even been 24 hours since this all began. "And Mom and Dad, for flying down, Nick and Irene for getting here so quickly..." he trailed off again. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized he'd been awake for around 30 hours and there was still so much to do.

He rubbed the back of his head and continued, "We still need to plan the order of the service, decide who will be speaking, hire a car and driver for tomorrow..." Danny moved his hand from rubbing his head to rubbing his eyes. He couldn't think, couldn't remember the last time he had eaten or even had a glass of water. Jesse, still standing next to his brother-in-law, wrapped his arm around Danny's back for support, as Irene spoke up.

"Danny," she said gently from her spot on the couch, Stephanie in her lap. "Danny, that can wait a few hours. You need to rest."

Danny hesitated. It's true that he _had _managed being in his bedroom earlier, but that was only to shower and change and he'd been able to do that quickly enough without really thinking about what was in that room with him:

Pam's clothes. Her jewelry, her shoes, her perfume, her makeup. Memories of them together: nights of passion, nights when D.J. had colic, or when Stephanie crawled into bed with them. The night they had laid in bed discussing what they each wanted the other to do in case something should happen to one of them...

_Pam looked more serious than he had ever seen. She sat up in bed, knees drawn up to her chest, hands resting on her knees, head on her hands, looking at him lying beside her. He gazed up at her, admiring her. Even in a nursing top and sweatpants, he thought she was radiant. He smiled up at her, and she gave him a small smile back. But she had that faraway look in her eyes that he knew all too well. He tapped her leg with his finger. _

_"Hey, you. Whatcha thinking about?" he asked, his tone light. _

_Pam glanced over at Michelle - sound asleep in the bassinet...for now. She decided it was now or never; who knew how long the baby would stay asleep? Pam shifted a little so she was lying on her side facing her husband. She reached out and took his hand gently, gently tracing his fingers with hers. Before he could misinterpret the gesture, she took a deep breath and began the conversation she'd been playing over and over in her mind for the last two weeks, since Michelle was born. _

_"Danny, I've been thinking about some things..." _

_"Oh?" he asked, kissing the back of her hand lightly, his brows slightly furrowed. _

_"Yes. Danny...we need to talk about..." she sighed abruptly. She'd played this over and over again and if she didn't get it out now...part of her thought they had all the time in the world. But on the other hand..._

_"Danny...I need you to promise me something." _

_His brows furrowed deeper. "Yeah, Pam, of course, anything!"_

_"Promise me that if I die, if something happens to me, that you will try to find love again. That you'll find someone who loves you the way I do, and who loves our girls. I want you to be happy, please don't..." _

_Here Danny cut her off, pushing himself up onto one elbow. "Pam, you're scaring me! Where is this coming from? Did something happen at the doctor that you're not telling me? Is..." He swallowed, looking her over. "Is something wrong?" She was shaking her head as he said it. _

_"No, Danny I just... we have the three most wonderful daughters in the whole world, and if something ever happened to one of us, I just...I'd just rather go ahead and have this conversation. Nothing is wrong, my love, my postpartum checkup was just fine. I... it's very important that we talk about this." She tried to smile reassuringly at him, as she noticed the more deeply furrowed brows and frowning lips of her husband. He looked into her eyes, blinking rapidly. _

_"Well, alright," he acquiesced. "I suppose...I suppose that if something did happen to me then..." he sighed. "Then I wouldn't want you to be alone. I would want you to be happy, and I would want our girls to have a father figure in their lives." He glanced at her with a twinkle in his eye and an almost impish smile on his lips. "After an appropriate grieving period, of course." He chuckled lightly at the joke, but Pam only gave him a half smile in acknowledgement. _

_"Danny, understand that I am planning on being around for a long time. We have so much to look forward to! Michelle's first steps, their first dates, learning to drive, proms...weddings...grandchildren..." and here she gave him her signature sly smile, as his eyebrows raised. _

_"Whoa, hey," he said, laughing again and putting his hands up. "I don't know if I'm ready for all of __that__ just yet!" He kissed her on the forehead. "But...now that I think about it... Pamela Tanner, I cannot wait to grow old with you, and experience those things with you. Especially the proms and weddings." He settled his arms around her again. "We are going to have many, many happy years together." He kissed her again and they fell into a comfortable silence for another minute or two before Pam's face became serious and pensive again. She felt like the issue wasn't quite resolved yet..._

_"Oh, Danny, I am so looking forward to a life of love and memories with you...but...I meant what I said. If something ever happens to me, I want you to try and find happiness again. Find love again. Don't be alone, don't shut yourself down. I just..." and Danny was startled to see a tear make its way down her cheek. Pam was trying to stifle tears, but they came, unbidden. Soon she was wracked with sobs, and Danny drew her close to him, holding her tightly. Concern and fear started to make their grip in his chest; Pam was a generally happy and carefree person and he wasn't used to seeing her upset like this. He heard a muffled sound and relaxed his arms slightly so she could prop herself up and look into his eyes. _

_"Danny, I just can't stand the thought of you alone, trying to raise our girls alone, without me, without help..." To his surprise, he felt a tear roll down his own cheek at the same thing: the thought of __her__ losing __him__, trying to be supermom and raise three kids on her own..._

_He reached over and grabbed a Kleenex off their bedside table, dabbing her cheeks with it and then his own. "Pamela, sweetheart, you don't have to worry about that. Even if something did happen, there's my mom, and your mom...but I'm not going to worry about it, now. Hopefully we have many, many years before we lose one another." He held up a hand. "Picture it: you and me, old and gray, sitting on rocking chairs watching our grandkids play in the yard, wearing our pants up to our armpits..."_

_She laughed and slapped him on the chest playfully. "Oh, Danny, I'm sure you're right. I don't know why, but it was suddenly very important to me that we had this conversation."_

_He nodded thoughtfully. "You know, I'm glad we did. Just in case." She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him, and just as their lips met, Michelle started to wail._

_Pam laughed. "Every time!" She said as she sat up to go attend to the baby. Danny smiled softly as he watched her and felt himself start to drift off to sleep. _

Danny felt someone rubbing his back urgently. He felt disembodied, like he wasn't really experiencing what his brain said he was.

"Dan? Danny? You okay?"

He blinked. At some point he had sat down, and D.J. was rubbing his back as his mother crouched in front of him. "Son? Are you okay? You had us worried for a few minutes. You sort of...checked out."

His eyes finally focused on his concerned family all staring at him. He rubbed his eyes and stood up.

"You know...Irene you were right. This can all wait. I'm...I'm just exhausted. I can't think straight, I..." he trailed off.

Nick handed him Michelle as Irene said, "go take a nap, and take the baby with you. She's all ready for a nap too."

As Danny took her, he wrinkled his nose. "seems like she's ready for a new diaper too!" Everyone smiled a little at that and watched him trudge up the stairs with a happy - but wet - baby.

Danny changed her and almost sat in her rocking chair but paused. Grabbing her blankie, he decided to take her to his room instead. He laid the baby on the bed (remembering when he had helped Pam make the bed just yesterday morning) and took off his shoes. Turning down the covers, he laid the baby in the middle and then laid down on "his" side of the bed. She twisted her head back and forth, as if she were looking for someone, and finally began to sleepily gum on her blankie as he rubbed her stomach gently, humming a little as she started to drift off to sleep.

He tried to close his eyes, but every time he did, all he saw was Pam's face. He could hear her voice - _I'm just picking up the basics, I'll be back soon _\- and worse, he could smell her scent here in their bed. He remembered reading something about smell being the sense most tied closely to memory, and indeed his mind's eye was filled with memories of her. He glanced around the room and saw her everywhere; he turned back to face Michelle and saw Pam in her face. As Michelle drifted off into a peaceful slumber, Danny squeezed his eyes shut and cried himself to sleep.

With the addition of Claire and Edgar, Nick and Irene opted to go home for a few hours to get some sleep and agreed they would be back over later to help with dinner and the planning for Pam's service. Claire and Edgar borrowed Danny's car to go check into the hotel, promising to be back as soon as they had dropped their luggage. Joey was loath to go home, so he offered to play checkers with Stephanie. And Jesse...as tired as he was, Jesse was also reluctant to go home. He mindlessly and slowly paced the living room, watching the checkers game from afar. Stephanie was clutching Mr. Bear in one arm, her tongue sticking out a little as she planned her move, and Jesse couldn't help but smile a little at the scene. Stephanie seemed to be alright, today anyway, but D.J...

_Where is D.J._? He thought to himself and began to meander around the house looking for her. After checking the kitchen and the backyard, he decided to head upstairs. Passing Michelle's room, he thought he'd take a peek at her to see if his youngest niece was asleep...not that he'd change a diaper if she wasn't, but still. He slowly opened the door...and found himself staring at an empty crib. _That's strange_, he thought. _Where is she_? Jesse didn't know much about babies, but he didn't think she could escape her crib just yet. And she surely couldn't open the door.

He stepped back into the hallway and immediately bumped straight into D.J.!

"Deej!" He exclaimed. "There you are! You scared me! Where did you come from?" She fidgeted and played with her hair before answering. "I was looking for Michelle. I wanted to check on her."

Jesse nodded. "Oh yeah, I had the same idea. But she's not in her crib..." D.J. nodded. "Yeah. She's in Mom and Dad's room, asleep with Dad." She made a "come here" signal with her hand, and together they slowly opened the door to peek inside the master bedroom, and Jesse was relieved to see a soundly sleeping Michelle _and_ Danny. Together, they quietly shut the door, and Jesse put his arm around D.J.'s shoulders, guiding her to her bedroom.

"Come on, Deej," he said. "Let's talk." They went to her room and sat on her bed. D.J. sat and stared at her hands. Jesse nudged her playfully.

"Come on, kid. Talk to me."

D.J. sighed. "Uncle Jesse...I..." she paused. He nudged her again encouragingly.

"It's ok, D.J. You can tell me."

"It's just that...this morning, when I woke up and came downstairs, and Grandma and Grandpa were here, and Dad was crying, and told us that Mom is...dead... it was all so real, and scary, and it was like I was angry and sad all at once. And now..." she trailed off and picked at a thread on her jeans.

"And now, it feels like it's all a dream, doesn't it?" Jesse inquired. "Like it wasn't even real at all?" D.J. nodded. "I keep waiting for Mom to come home and say sorry for taking so long, and to tell us all to put our smiles on." Jesse put his arm around her, pulling her close, and after a few seconds Jesse heard sniffling. He hugged her tighter, resting his cheek on top of her head. "It feels real now, Uncle Jesse. It's real, and I just don't know what to do!"

Jesse felt a tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek to settle in D.J.'s hair. "I know, Deej. I know exactly how you feel." And they sat like that together, D.J. and Jesse hugging each other for a little while, drawing comfort and strength from each other.

The rest of the day moved along slowly. A few more phone calls needed to be made but everyone wanted to wait for Danny to wake up before those calls were done. Claire had come in to find Joey playing cards with D.J. and Stephanie, and Jesse sitting on the couch asleep, but was surprised not to see Danny or Michelle. They had been gone about two hours.

"Joey, you haven't seen Danny come down? Or heard Michelle?" Joey picked up the baby monitor and guiltily realized it had been turned off at some point. "Oh, gee, Claire, I'm sorry, I -" D.J. cut him off.

"Gramma, Michelle is asleep with Dad in his bed. If she'd woken up, I think he would have heard it." Claire softened immediately. "Oh. Oh, I didn't realize that. Maybe I should go check on them..." she headed upstairs as Irene and Nick came in the front door. Irene observed her son snoring softly on the sofa, head thrown back and all.

"Awww, Nick, look at our son. Sleeping like a baby." Nick snorted. "yeah, just as you should be, Irene."

Irene gave him a look. "You too, Nick." They had both tried to lie down but as tired as they were they had been unable to do more than a small cat nap, so they observed their son with a small amount of jealousy. Irene sat down next to her son as Nick and Edgar headed to the kitchen to talk. Stephanie noticed her grandmother just sitting and staring at her son, so Stephanie asked, "what are you doing, Grandma?"

Irene smiled at Stephanie. "Just looking at my son and admiring how peaceful he looks. But I'm also debating about whether or not I should wake him up. What do you think?" Stephanie looked at her uncle thoughtfully. His head was lolled back against the back of the couch and his normally perfect hair was mussed. He was still wearing the clothes he had worn when he rode in from Vegas: the only one of them who hadn't had a shower and fresh clothes. Stephanie wrinkled her nose.

"Grandma, I think Uncle Jesse needs a bath and jammies."

Irene laughed out loud. "I think you're right, Steph." She shook her son's shoulder gently. "Jess. Jesse, honey...wake up..."

He groaned and didn't open his eyes. "Awww Maaaa c'mon, five more minutes." Irene chuckled and shook him again a little more forcefully. Jesse blearily opened his eyes, blinking at his mother, an annoyed expression on his face. "Wha..."

"Jesse. Go home and get some rest. Danny's still asleep, the grandparents are back...go home." Jesse started to protest but stopped when he saw the look on his mother's face. He nodded his assent and slowly got up, stretching his stiff joints and muscles.

"Okay, Ma," he said, leaning down and giving her a kiss on the cheek and doing the same to Stephanie. "Okay."

Claire looked in on her son and infant granddaughter, carefully so as not to wake anyone up. She needn't have worried: Michelle was awake and happily gurgling as she waved her hands in the air, looking around the room and over at her sleeping father. Danny was sound asleep, but as she approached him, Claire noticed the dampness on his pillow. She sighed heavily as she sat on the bed next to him, softly placing her hand on his head, smoothing his dark hair. She didn't even see any gray hairs tucked away in there.

_Imagine_, she thought. _Imagine being 29, not even a gray hair on your head, and losing your wife._ She looked over at Michelle and couldn't help but smile at the baby, who was amusing herself by waving her arms around and looking at sunbeams on the ceiling. _What does her future hold now?_ Claire wondered. Looking back down at her son, who was starting to stir, she resolved to have a conversation with him in a few days once the funeral was over and the "new normal" began. He would need help, especially these first few months. _But it can wait a few days_, she reminded herself.

She eased off the bed and scooped up the baby, eyeing Danny. She hadn't gone upstairs with the intention of waking him, and as she backed towards the door, she saw him settle back down into a deeper slumber again.

_My son._ She thought. _My poor son._

She quietly shut the door, taking the baby downstairs with her.

Danny woke up only a few minutes later, surprised that he'd had a dreamless sleep. He was sure he'd be tortured with images of her floating in front of him the way he was while awake, but his sleep had thankfully been deep and peaceful. He'd almost forgotten the horror of the last 18 hours or so, until he came to full wakefulness. His eyes felt tired and swollen despite his sleep and his headache hadn't abated much.

He suddenly realized Michelle wasn't in the bed with him and in a panic, he got up and ran to the other side of the bed, thinking maybe she'd rolled off. _Don't be silly_, he thought. _She'd have cried or something..._ but he checked all the same. He opened the bedroom door and could hear the sounds of his parents and in-laws and daughters and best friend all talking together and thought one of them must have come to get Michelle. He took a deep breath, shut the bedroom door behind him, and headed downstairs to see his family.

_Family_. He thought. What would the family look like now without Pam?

Chapter End Notes: Funeral is next chapter. I really wanted to address the conversation Danny said he and Pam had about what to do if one of them died. You ever have an idea so pervasive that you HAVE to write it out before you can get anything else done? ;)


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